y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
A classic…
Message from the dog groomers
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.