I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.