Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
You Might Also Like
Sell your car
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*