Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
This was the best day of my life
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
WHY would you be happy about this?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Anyone want a chair?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
S/o to @funTweeters .
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!