My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates