My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Hey i am sexy to you now
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]