So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.