[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
You Might Also Like
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.