the answer was staring at me all along
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Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Salad is the decaf of food.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested