The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
You Might Also Like
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”