I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Thursday Thought.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.