Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.