Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.