You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.