GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
first you must answer his riddles
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
who did the taste test?