eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
blocked.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Always the camel, never the toe.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision