You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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Person says: hi
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.