I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
hmmm
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)