I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.