Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp