say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
SF is the wild wild west man
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.