I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight