There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.