[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
marvel comics have peaked
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.