Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.