Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.