“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My whole life was a lie.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?