Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
What a year we’ve had this week.
Milk Cube
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun