Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Ironic
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone