Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
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Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
This took me a second..
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me sliding into hell like
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight