You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Phones down.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Hamburger Hinderer.