I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
reviewed some movies recently
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok