You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My wedding will be open casket.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.