[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
You Might Also Like
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I hate everything
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.