I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers