[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’