LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.