I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
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me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.