Bond. Trauma bond.
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.