I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Jurassic park gets weird
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators