Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.