mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls