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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there