When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down