A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Y’all know who you are.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The only good comments section online is on recipes
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations