Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king