Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I like crazy people until they notice me
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.