Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal