Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.