I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
this is what they would have looked like, though
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.